I hate this time of year.

Following all the excitement and hustle of the holiday season, I always land in this funk that pretty much takes over the first two weeks of January. Besides the fact that I don't have a major, pain-in-the-ass holiday to take up my free moments, I have to deal with the annual "Year in Review" reel that my brain subjects me to without fail. I keep hearing, "Haha, another birthday Cayton (I, for some reason, refer to myself using my maiden name). You didn't do the things you wanted to do, you didn't lose any weight, you didn't write anything, you didn't get it together. Just what I expected..." So, then, I go over all the events, good and bad, of the previous year.

Now, luckily, my good events far outnumber my bad events. For 2006, I would label the following events as bad:

1. Didn't lose any weight (But then, no appreciable gain, so that's good)
2. My sister's wedding was cold, cold, cold on the beach with me in a sundress. Really, really bad (but also it was really funny, so not so bad).
3. Didn't go on a big trip with my family (but did manage to make it to Seattle and New York without family, good and bad)
4. Got so insane that I started therapy (Insane, bad/therapy, good)

Good events:

1. Cayton's first birthday party (I think I only cried for a couple of days, much better than I expected)

2. Cayton started walking, talking and entertaining us.

3. Cayton learned how to give me hugs and kisses, thereby proving to me that the universe is not out to get me and that God can smile on you when you least expect it.

4. Blake and I celebrated our ninth (!!!) wedding anniversary. Good lord (anniversary - good; realizing that you are old enought to be on anniversary nine - bad)

5. My sister got married and had the best ever reception (resulting hangover - bad, bad, bad)

6. I got to toast my baby sister at her reception (seriously the best toast ever; she cried buckets)

7. Cayton learned to say "I love you". How is it that your heart (gag, gag, gag) can fill with love and pride and break into pieces all at the same time???

Really, as you can see, it was a great year. But, I know that at least for the next week or so, I will be melancholy and will be feeling the passage of time as if it were a tangible thing. I guess I get a bit nervous when I look forward and think how many memories, good and bad, will pull at me when I am older. Even on the cusp of just 32, I find myself visiting old times and I profoundly miss and long for the people that have slipped away from my daily life. And as I sit in a quiet moment, holding my baby girl, I know that even as I stroke her hair I will think of the moments that have passed and I will worry over the fact that even with all the promise of the future there will be a bittersweet longing for the times that come and gone.