My Apologies

I would like to apologize to any first time moms-to-be who might have read my last blog post. I hate to think that I scared the bejesus out of anybody.  Mostly I was just having a bad night and I was dwelling on the whole birthing ordeal.  Don't get me wrong, I stand by what I said.  It is quite a trauma, but people do it all the time.  So, you can definitely get through it.  But, as I mentioned, I've been there before and I know what I'm in for.  I basically just don't want to do it. 

Certainly, I can't wait for Vivian Claire to arrive.  I'm so ready to meet her.  It's just that I kind of wish she could show up like my other family and friends, you know, like with a nice bottle of wine and some fancy cheese.  It certainly would be less work on my part.  But you know, if something is worth having, you have to work for it. 

So, I conclude by saying that I am feeling a little bit tougher now.  I guess I just needed to have a little bit of a break down to gain some insight.  As usual, my kids are really causing me to reexamine and rethink things.  

Personally, I think I need a little break from all of this self-discovery and improvement...

The Big Finish

OK, I admit it.  I am scared.  It's about that time and I'm looking at the inevitability of having to go to the hospital and do my thing.  I've been so ready until now when it's really about to happen and now I think I'm "just not gonna go".  I kind of have that feeling like when you are strapped into a roller coaster and you're at the top of the hill and you'd get out of the damn thing if someone would really give you the option.  It's the fear of what's coming coupled with the complete and utter loss of control.  There's no fear like the fear of having to do something and you know just exactly what you are in for.  You can't tell yourself, "Oh, it's not that bad". Bullshit. It IS that bad and you know it.  No illusions, no kidding.  I think it's times like this that you also have to face that you are one person and you have to go some things alone.  No one can do it for you and you can't turn back.  So, nothing for it but to hike up your britches (or lack of in this case) and face it head on.  Still, if I could make Blake do this for me, brother I so would.

There is some consolation though in knowing that this won't actually kill me and I get a nice parting gift.  But, since I'm still on this side of the ordeal, I will have to own up to some moments of panic.  I try to let them pass, but tonight I think I'm just a little wimpier than usual.  However, like any good girl from the country, I do have someone to turn to.  Even though I do have to forgo the "liquid courage" that I might otherwise turn to, I do have George to see me through.  There's also Merle if things get really bad.  I find that if I feel a freak out coming on, I can break out the iTunes and work through a lot of trouble.  A little cryin', lovin' and leavin' can at least get me through the evening and I bet I'll feel better tomorrow.

Or, I'll be in the hospital working on the big finish to this seemingly never ending pregnancy.