Friday, January 19, 2007

Shut - in Again?

Yikes. I just checked the local weather website and it looks like another storm is headed our way. For accuracy, I should say that it's another SNOW storm. As a life long Oklahoman, I must point out that I am not psychologically equipped for being snowed in for more than about 25 minutes. As a people, we are not used to having our plans hampered by extreme weather. Of course, we have lots of severe weather, but tornadoes only last a few minutes. If your house/trailer makes it through, you are by no means confined to it for days on end!

Anyway, Blake and I had planned on performing the classical "kid swap" move this weekend. My parents were going to meet us halfway between Hugo and Tulsa (i.e. Turnpike McDonald's) to pick Cayton up. She was going to go spend the weekend in Hugo while we were going to do whatever we damn well pleased until Sunday afternoon when would perform "Reverse Swap". But, with this new weather development, it looks like we won't be acting like kids again. I imagine that we will spend the weekend cooped up, stuffing our faces in order to stave off the resulting boredom. Isn't it funny that we spend so much money on "stuff", but can't manage to spend more than a day in our houses without getting bored? I guess it's more sad than funny.

This weather is really wreaking havoc on my plans for a new, more streamlined bod this year...

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Snapping Out of It...

Quite unexpectedly, I had a realization. I think I was sitting on the couch in an uncharacteristicly relaxed state and it dawned on me. I was completely without worry or anxiety. What??? How did this happen? I can't even imagine. Then, I started analyzing the situation (which is pretty standard for me) and I realized that I'd had a pretty stress free couple of weeks. It was beautiful. I wondered if this was the "new" me. Then, I think I took a nap.

Now, you might ask, what is the big deal. Well, I'll tell you. I have not been relaxed or worry free for about 2 years now. I have spent the last 21 months dealing with overwhelming worry and anxiety. It was so upsetting and detrimental to my quality of life that I eventually sought help. That was a big step for me, as I tend to try and work things out for myself. But, in a rare moment of clarity, I decided that I probably wasn't going to work this out. Plus, I figured that it wasn't entirely normal to have an hour long panic attack over the laundry. Obviously, something was out of whack.

Anyway, the point is that now I feel like myself again. I took some time to explore my new role as a mom and I learned some new ways of thinking. It was quite a revelation to me that the universe is not actually out to get me. Weird! Plus, I have some new techniques for avoiding panic attacks, which is useful. But, the most amazing thing is that now I rarely have to think about panic and anxiety. I have control again and it's great to be back. I am so glad to finally be snapping out of it...

In future episodes, our heroine explores the events that started it all. Also, why getting on a plane will be a real test of whether or not she's actually cured of her panic episodes...

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

I hate this time of year.

Following all the excitement and hustle of the holiday season, I always land in this funk that pretty much takes over the first two weeks of January. Besides the fact that I don't have a major, pain-in-the-ass holiday to take up my free moments, I have to deal with the annual "Year in Review" reel that my brain subjects me to without fail. I keep hearing, "Haha, another birthday Cayton (I, for some reason, refer to myself using my maiden name). You didn't do the things you wanted to do, you didn't lose any weight, you didn't write anything, you didn't get it together. Just what I expected..." So, then, I go over all the events, good and bad, of the previous year.

Now, luckily, my good events far outnumber my bad events. For 2006, I would label the following events as bad:

1. Didn't lose any weight (But then, no appreciable gain, so that's good)
2. My sister's wedding was cold, cold, cold on the beach with me in a sundress. Really, really bad (but also it was really funny, so not so bad).
3. Didn't go on a big trip with my family (but did manage to make it to Seattle and New York without family, good and bad)
4. Got so insane that I started therapy (Insane, bad/therapy, good)

Good events:

1. Cayton's first birthday party (I think I only cried for a couple of days, much better than I expected)

2. Cayton started walking, talking and entertaining us.

3. Cayton learned how to give me hugs and kisses, thereby proving to me that the universe is not out to get me and that God can smile on you when you least expect it.

4. Blake and I celebrated our ninth (!!!) wedding anniversary. Good lord (anniversary - good; realizing that you are old enought to be on anniversary nine - bad)

5. My sister got married and had the best ever reception (resulting hangover - bad, bad, bad)

6. I got to toast my baby sister at her reception (seriously the best toast ever; she cried buckets)

7. Cayton learned to say "I love you". How is it that your heart (gag, gag, gag) can fill with love and pride and break into pieces all at the same time???

Really, as you can see, it was a great year. But, I know that at least for the next week or so, I will be melancholy and will be feeling the passage of time as if it were a tangible thing. I guess I get a bit nervous when I look forward and think how many memories, good and bad, will pull at me when I am older. Even on the cusp of just 32, I find myself visiting old times and I profoundly miss and long for the people that have slipped away from my daily life. And as I sit in a quiet moment, holding my baby girl, I know that even as I stroke her hair I will think of the moments that have passed and I will worry over the fact that even with all the promise of the future there will be a bittersweet longing for the times that come and gone.