Friday, November 04, 2005

It's such a beautiful day here in Tulsa, OK. I can hardly believe that it's November! The weatherman said that it would be around 80 degrees and that's just amazing. I should be much more uncomfortable at this point in the year.

I haven't written in a while. Mostly, this can be attributed to laziness. I have been monumentally lazy and quite the procrastinator. I think it has to do with all the things that I should be doing. It's so overwhelming that I have just decided to do nothing.

Cayton has been humming along nicely in the last month. She is closing in on 7 months already. I can not believe just how quickly the time is passing. Sigh... I can't really think about it too much without feeling a bit sad. It is very difficult to love a thing so much all the while knowing that it really does not belong to you. I don't like the thought that someday Cayton will want, have to leave me behind. But, I guess if I do this thing right, she will do an old lady a favor and visit every once in a while.

On a happier note, her eventual departure is years away and I can focus on what she is doing now. What she's doing now is practicing her sitting up skills. I think she will have it down before too long. At this point, she sits very well and then, without warning, she falls over. Often, she face plants. Sometimes, if she is lucky, she will fall sideways. It's all so amazing and charming. I can't believe how totally she owns me...

Well, that's all I know for now. I will try and write again on a more consistent basis. But, as with everything in my life right now, committing to consistent schedule is TOUGH.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Whew! I am so tired today. This really the worst Monday I've had in a really long time. It started off with me sleeping through my alarm. When I realized that it was already past 7:00 a.m., I dashed out of bed and sprinted to the shower. My mind was racing. I need to call work, I have to feed the baby, I need to find my keys... It was rough.

I did make it to work. I wasn't too late, but I surely wasn't at my desk at 8:00. I am not sure why I hit bottom all of the sudden, but it seems that mommyhood has caught up with me. I have been euphoric with Cayton's great sleeping habits and I have managed to keep it all together. But, today, I am feeling every minute of it. My eyes are saggy and tired, my neck is so stiff that I can barely turn my head and if it gets quiet this afternoon, my head will hit the desk. However...

That being said, I am counting the minutes until I can leave here and pick up my baby! I can barely stand the 6 or so hours that we are apart during the day. Part of it is anticipation of playing with her and the rest of it is guilt for putting her in a day care facility. Am I a terrible mother? I read an article today about the pros and cons of staying home vs. working. Of course, I was practically squashed flat by the 2 ton guilt burden that descended on me. I don't know the answer to this because I can't come up with a rational answer. It's just too much of an emotional issue. Please, someone set me straight! This topic, like politics, is ruled by idealogues on both sides. I've rarely seen a rational discussion. If anyone has a common sense opinion, please let me know!

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Planning a vacation is one of my favorite pasttimes. I get to look at places all over the world and pick some place that sounds like fun. I just love it. In the years since my husband and I have been married, we have gone so many places. We've made it a point to take one really huge vacation each year and it's been so much fun.

This year, things are a bit different. Having a new baby girl has thrown a bit of a wrench in our travel plans! She is, of course, the perfect child but even the perfect child would morph into a demon on a transatlantic flight. So, our plans for this year are a bit less ambitious than in years past. Instead of spending an afternoon in a Parisian cafe or an Italian piazza, we are just hoping to maybe make it to Denver! Ah the changes...

It's funny to to think about those changes. I think I am (was) a poster child for the typical person from my generation. I was completely devoted to living for myself, traveling etc (which is fine, by the way). I was determined to put off the whole "responsible adult" thing as long as possible and I was good at it. We had a great group of friends and we spent almost every weekend with them. So many stories...

Anyway, something strange began to happen as we all approached the horror that is 30. Many of our friends moved out of town. Others began to settle down. I guess it was time to move on. Plus, and I never thought this would happen to me, the ol' biological clock put the smackdown on me and I never had a chance. The thing practically kicked me in the head. I hadn't expected the urge to reproduce to be so irresistible. I mean, do you ever expect to have a visceral reaction to a terry cloth onesie with bunny rabbits on it???

Anyway, to get back on point, my baby has revealed to me so much about how being a "responsible adult" can be absolutely fabulous. Even though my life has changed drastically, I'm more than OK with it. That, of course is the biggest surprise. I'm capable of thinking of someone else first. Weird!

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

This is the post that I should have written yesterday! Last night, when I sat down to write, all I could think about was the fact that nothing exciting had happened. But, while I lamented this fact, my baby girl quietly became a 5 month old. Where has the time gone?

Just five months ago I met my perfect, beautiful baby. She was bit early but no less perfect than she would have been had she been less impatient about getting here! Cayton Elise Doerr was born on a Tuesday at 8:54 in the morning. I have to say, never has there been a more perfect day. She arrived crying her well developed lungs out and looking just like her daddy (the thanks I get after all that work!) Even though none of the experience was easy, it was the ultimate privilege to be able to give life to that girl. Thanks for letting me be your Mama, bug!

Needless to say, I love that little bundle more than I ever thought I could love anything. Before she was born, the idea of loving someone so much it hurt sounded like a bad lyric from a power ballad. However, all you other naysayers out there, such a feeling does indeed exist! I often find myself looking at my miraculous baby with tears streaming down my face. My heart (I really hate the whole "heart" metaphor, but I can't think of anything better) just can't contain the emotions that she conjures.

Anyway, before I open up the waterworks yet again, I will conclude by saying that I no longer wonder at the meaning of life. I think it is simple. The meaning of life is life. I am simply here to be Cayton's mama and that is more than enough reason for me to get up in the morning and press on.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

OK, I've thought and thought and I just don't have much to say. Cayton and I spent some quality time playing with some toys. Then she put on a show for me in her Exersaucer. After that, she decided to throw a couple of fits and then it was supper time for her Daddy and me. Since I was tired, I made Blake some French toast and I just had some cereal. I wasn't in the mood for the French toast... We found the time to take a family walk but then it got really dark quickly, so we had to hurry home. That pretty much sums it up for me. I do wish that I had more to talk about because I wanted to say something fabulous, but it just isn't happening for me tonight. I'll try again tomorrow. Maybe we can talk about vacation...

Saturday, September 10, 2005

I called my parents twice today just to check up on Daddy's progress. He was great but for some reason I really needed to hear their voices because I needed to know that they were there and doing well. Even though I am thirty years old, I am just now beginning to acknowledge the fact that life is just a chance at time and not a guarantee.

Mama and Daddy have always been for me the example of strength and they are always in my mind immortal. But the fact is that if I'm thirty, then they are older and older means that they are susceptible to health problems. Eventually, I will have to deal with the loss of the only (and this is true) two people on earth that love me unconditionally. Now, that will be far in the future (thinking positively here), but it will be no less of a loss. I wonder what that will do to my approach to life? I will admit that many of my life choices have been made with them in mind. I couldn't really summon the courage to life far away from them.

Basically, I really like my parents. Daddy has this sense of humor that just takes over. He loves to laugh. In fact, he goes out of his way to make people laugh. His actual laugh is even funny. I mean, he doesn't half ass it. When he thinks something is funny, he makes sure that his laugh lets everybody know. Mama is funny too. I am actually wondering if we all just use humor to avoid less pleasant things. Oh well, that is a topic for another post. But, she really is funny. Her best material is when she's talking about Daddy. She will tell you all about Daddy and how he does things just to make her crazy, but you can tell that really she wouldn't have it any other way.

Well, I don't know where this post is really going, but thanks to a couple of glasses of Yellowtail Shiraz-Cab blend, I don't really care. I just wanted to take a minute to pay tribute to Charles and Gwen and reflect on their example of what a marriage should be. Hopefully, I can provide such an example to my daughter. Or maybe I'm just really hammered...

Thursday, September 08, 2005

So much has happened in the last couple of days that I don't even know where to begin. I think maybe I should start by saying that life can certainly take twists and turns!

Last Sunday I received a call from my mother and I guess I had been dreading such a call for some time. She said that Daddy was in the hospital and may have had a heart attack. I knew something was wrong before she uttered three words since I know my mother well enough to have guessed that something was up just by the way she said "Hi" rather than something like "Hey girl, what are you up to?".

Needless to say, I was floored. That was Sunday night. By the time that I made it to Paris, TX (where Daddy was in the hospital), the doctor was recommending that he be sent to Baylor in Dallas immediately. He needed bypass surgery. It was all too much and that was Monday...

Tuesday, Daddy had the surgery and it was the longest 4-5 hours of my family's life. At 5:05 on Tuesday afternoon, the doctor came out and informed us that Daddy was doing great. Doc was oddly nonchalant about the ordeal. I wanted him to run out and high five all of us and celebrate. I guess insurance probably doesn't pay for victory laps...

Strangely enough, I was able to get through the entire ordeal without completely losing control. We stayed to make sure Daddy was doing OK, then we flew home. I even went to work for a couple of hours. Then, as I was driving home with my Caytie in the backseat, it occurred to me that we came close to losing Daddy. Close behind this thought was the idea that my baby might not have known him. Of course, then I became hysterical. Not good when you are operating a motor vehicle with a 4.5 month old infant inside.

Now I know that for me, losing Daddy would have been tragic beyond anything that I can describe. But, how much more tragic would it have been for my daughter? I at least have so many precious memories, but what would she have? I could have told her all about him and his outrageous sense of humor, his kindness and unwavering integrity. But, would my words have been colorful enough to actually convey the man that Daddy is? No, she would have been robbed of a wonderful role model of what a great man truly looks like.

My comfort in all of this is that Daddy is recovering nicely and tonight I will put Cayton to bed knowing that she will know her Papaw and she will grow to appreciate him in the way that I and so many others do.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Getting Started...

I realized yesterday that since baby Cayton was born, time has sped up to the point that everything goes by in a blur. The resulting conclusion was that I haven't been recording for posterity all the amazing things that Cayton does everyday. Of course, as a mom, I felt the familiar crush of guilt and I made an immediate resolution to start putting pen to paper. Actually, I vowed to use my video camera more. Have I done that yet?? No, of course not. But, in my defense, Cayton didn't do too much yesterday. I think she has tired a bit of constantly entertaining me. She napped quite a lot and left me to fend for myself.

But, I guess the point of this blog for me is to record some of the events that will unfold as Cayton grows. Hopefully, this will be a way to keep my memories of her so that I can share them with her later on. I guess I'm terrified that in the busy happenings of daily life, I will forget to put an emphasis on the little things that eventually will mean so much to me and to her daddy. Wouldn't I just hate myself if later on I realize that I didn't even write down the time and date of her first smile, laugh or word?? I bet I'll really hate myself if I don't video all her little accomplishments. So, I resolve to do my dead level best to record every thing. Wow, that's a really big resolution...

Goal #1: Figure out how to post the video of Cayton's baptism. As this may take a while, here's a picture.